| First, there was Vin Diesel.(Yeah, I know. First | | | | eat food he didn't make himself, that is.#17. Alton |
| there was Bill Brasky. Don't interrupt me; I'm | | | | Brown once got carried away slicing carrots, and |
| building up to something here.)Then, there was | | | | julienned his cutting board. Undaunted, he sauteed |
| Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and Jack Bauer.And now, | | | | the splinters in olive oil and spices -- and they |
| another modern cult hero goes under the | | | | were delicious.#18. Every Burger King Alton Brown |
| microscope. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first -- | | | | has walked into has immediately closed forever -- |
| and very likely last -- time anywhere, I'm proud | | | | try as they might, they simply can't 'do it his |
| to present:Thirty Facts About... Alton Brown#1. | | | | way'.#19. Alton Brown can pair a wine with any |
| Alton Brown grinds his own peppercorns. With his | | | | food -- including hot dogs, ice cream, raw eggs, |
| teeth.#2. Alton Brown's chili cheese fries are | | | | Alpo, sawdust, and soylent green. It's people!#20. |
| healthier than raw carrots. Even after he adds the | | | | Alton Brown's cakes don't rise. They ascend.#21. |
| bacon and lard.#3. Alton Brown brushes his teeth | | | | Some meats are so tender, they seem to melt in |
| with wasabi and gargles with pickle brine. But still | | | | your mouth. Alton Brown's meats are so tender, |
| his breath smells like lemon merengue.#4. Alton | | | | he's had entire turkeys vanish into thin air.#22. |
| Brown can boil a three-minute egg in thirty-seven | | | | Alton Brown's no saint. But if his chicken Kiev |
| seconds.#5. When Alton Brown was born, he | | | | cures one more kid's leprosy, the church will |
| collected the hospital slop they'd left for his | | | | reconsider the evidence.#23. Alton Brown doesn't |
| mother and made it into an zesty, appetizing | | | | whip potatoes. Alton Brown's potatoes whip |
| goulash. The dish fed the entire maternity ward | | | | themselves, if they know what's good for |
| for a week.#6. In the first, as-yet-unaired episode | | | | them.#24. Alton Brown's other car is the |
| of Iron Chef America, Alton Brown | | | | Wienermobile.#25. Alton Brown's show is called |
| single-handedly defeated an all-star team of | | | | 'Good Eats', because 'Multiple Shuddering |
| Bobby Flay, Cat Cora, and Hiroyuki Sakai. The | | | | Mouthgasms' didn't play with the network's target |
| secret ingredient was 'whimsy'.#7. Alton Brown | | | | demographic.#26. Alton Brown's freezer operates |
| doesn't reduce sauces. He demoralizes sauces.#8. | | | | at minus-twenty-seven degrees. Kelvin.#27. Alton |
| Alton Brown prepares his fugu blindfolded, with | | | | Brown once prepared shrimp gumbo for a |
| one chopstick and a plastic spork. Alton Brown | | | | cooking competition, using only salt, water, canned |
| ain't afraid of no chump neurotoxin.#9. Alton | | | | Spam, and a packet of Arby's 'Horsey Sauce'. He |
| Brown's blender has four speeds: 'stir', 'mix', | | | | took second place. He would have won, but one |
| 'frappe', and 'plasmify'.#10. Alton Brown can split a | | | | of the judges was allergic to shellfish.#28. Alton |
| pineapple in half using only his pinkies. For | | | | Brown can fit three hundred and forty-two |
| coconuts, though, he has to use his thumbs.#11. | | | | cookies on a standard-sized baking sheet. Without |
| Alton Brown knows where capers come from. | | | | any touching.#29. When Alton Brown slices onions, |
| And he grows his own, on a Chia pet in the | | | | the onions cry.#30. Alton Brown was once asked |
| pantry.#12. On Rachel Ray's show, she shows | | | | to participate in a blind orange juice taste test. He |
| people where to eat for less than forty dollars a | | | | was the only person able to successfully identify |
| day. When Alton Brown eats, people pay him.#13. | | | | the brand, style, vintage, temperature, pH level, |
| Alton Brown slices ham so thin, it can only be | | | | distance to the orchard, age of the grove trees, |
| seen using an electron microscope.#14. Some | | | | and the names of the workers picking the fruit. |
| knives can slice through a tin can and still cut a | | | | Including the one who needs to start washing |
| tomato. Alton Brown's knives can slice through a | | | | after bathroom breaks.Charlie Hatton is an |
| Pontiac, and still cut a tin can.#15. Grown men | | | | overzealous blogger and aspiring standup |
| have been known to weep for joy in the mere | | | | comedian offering smart, sophisticated humor |
| presence of Alton Brown's vinagrette. His | | | | about life, language, and the size of his naughty |
| hollandaise sauce can kill a man from sheer | | | | bits. He writes near-daily and mostly randomly at |
| ecstacy at forty paces.#16. Alton Brown can eat | | | | Where the Hell Was I? |
| just one Lay's potato chip. If he ever bothered to | | | | |